{"id":8855,"date":"2026-08-28T20:56:15","date_gmt":"2026-08-28T20:56:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/newstoday365.today\/?p=8855"},"modified":"2026-08-28T20:56:16","modified_gmt":"2026-08-28T20:56:16","slug":"a-fun-filled-collection-of-unexpected-surprises-witty-comebacks-and-timeless-jokes-to-make-your-day-brighter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/newstoday365.today\/?p=8855","title":{"rendered":"A Fun-Filled Collection of Unexpected Surprises, Witty Comebacks, and Timeless Jokes to Make Your Day Brighter"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A Collection of Funny Stories, Clever Twists, and Classic Jokes<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Two Old Men at the Brothel<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Two elderly friends decide they may be nearing the end of their lives, so they head out for one last night of fun. After enjoying a few drinks, they somehow find themselves at a local brothel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The madam takes one look at the two elderly, intoxicated gentlemen and quietly tells her manager, \u201cGo upstairs and put an inflatable doll in each of the first two rooms. These men are so old and drunk that they won\u2019t notice the difference. I\u2019m not wasting two of our girls on them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The manager follows her instructions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Later, as the two old men walk home, one suddenly says, \u201cYou know, I think the woman I was with was dead.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDead?\u201d his friend asks. \u201cWhy would you think that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cShe didn\u2019t move or make a sound the entire time!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His friend pauses before replying, \u201cWell, I think mine was a witch.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA witch? What makes you say that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI was kissing her neck and gave her a little bite. Suddenly, she farted and flew straight out the window!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Two Drunks at the Hotel<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Two drunk friends arrive at a hotel late one evening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At the front desk, one of them says, \u201cCould we get a bed with two rooms?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The clerk looks confused. \u201cYou mean a room with two beds?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, yeah\u2026whatever you said.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They receive their key and somehow make it upstairs. After struggling with the door for several minutes, they finally get inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The room is completely dark. They stumble forward and both fall onto the nearest bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFinally!\u201d one says. \u201cWe can get some sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But as they settle down, they realize there are other people in the bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey! Someone\u2019s in my bed!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSomeone\u2019s in mine too! We\u2019ve got to get them out!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They start pushing and wrestling with the other occupants until one man finally manages to throw his \u201cbedmate\u201d onto the floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes!\u201d he shouts. \u201cI got mine off the bed!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou\u2019re lucky,\u201d says his friend. \u201cI got thrown out too, but I\u2019m way too tired to keep fighting.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, forget it,\u201d says the first man. \u201cCome sleep in my bed. We\u2019ll both get some rest.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Grandma Bessie and Grandpa Morris<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A police car stops outside Grandma Bessie\u2019s house, and Grandpa Morris steps out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The officer explains politely, \u201cMa\u2019am, your husband said he got lost in the park and couldn\u2019t find his way home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grandma Bessie looks at her husband in disbelief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLost? You\u2019ve been going to that park for 30 years! How could you possibly get lost today?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Grandpa Morris leans toward her and whispers so the officer can\u2019t hear:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI wasn\u2019t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Ducks and the Zoo<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A police officer pulls over an elderly man driving a pickup truck filled with ducks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSir,\u201d the officer says sternly, \u201cyou can\u2019t have all these ducks roaming around downtown. Take them to the zoo immediately.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man agrees and drives away.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The following day, the officer sees the same truck again. It\u2019s still packed with ducks\u2014but now every duck is wearing sunglasses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The officer pulls him over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI thought I told you to take these ducks to the zoo!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The old man smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI did. But now they want to go to the beach!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Three Beers for Three Brothers<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A cowboy visiting Montana from Texas walks into a bar and orders three beers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He takes them to a corner table and drinks from each one in turn. When he finishes, he returns to the bar and orders three more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bartender eventually approaches him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou know, beer goes flat pretty quickly. It might taste better if you ordered one at a time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI have two brothers\u2014one lives in Arizona and the other in Colorado. When we left Texas, we promised that whenever one of us had a drink, we\u2019d have one for each of the others too. So I\u2019m drinking for all three of us.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bartender thinks this is touching and says nothing more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy becomes a regular, always ordering three beers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One evening, however, he walks in and orders only two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The regular customers become quiet. The bartender approaches him carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m really sorry for your loss. Please accept my condolences.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy looks puzzled before bursting out laughing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, nobody died! My wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to give up drinking. My brothers, however, are still drinking!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

An Old Cowboy\u2019s Three Wishes<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

An old cowboy has been wandering through the desert for days without water. Exhausted and barely able to move, he notices something sticking out of the sand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He crawls over and pulls out what appears to be an old briefcase. When he opens it, a genie appears.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But this isn\u2019t an ordinary genie. She\u2019s dressed like a government tax auditor, complete with a calculator and paperwork.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, cowboy,\u201d she says, \u201cyou have three wishes.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t trust this,\u201d the old man replies. \u201cYou look like a tax auditor.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The genie shrugs. \u201cWhat have you got to lose?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy thinks about it and finally agrees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFor my first wish, I want to be surrounded by food and water in a beautiful oasis.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Poof!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He suddenly finds himself in a magnificent oasis filled with delicious food and drinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd your second wish?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want to become unbelievably wealthy.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Poof!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He is instantly surrounded by gold, jewels, and treasure.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOne final wish,\u201d the genie says. \u201cChoose carefully.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy thinks for a long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want beautiful women to want me wherever I go.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Poof!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The cowboy is transformed into a tampon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Moral:<\/strong> Whenever the government gives you something, always look for the fine print.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

How Much Money Did I Have?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Here\u2019s a classic trick question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI had $13. My mother gave me $10, my father gave me $30, and my aunt and uncle gave me $100. I also had another $5. How much money did I have?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The obvious reaction is to add everything together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But the question asks how much money you had<\/strong>, not how much money you received.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You already had $13 and another $5.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So the answer is $18<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sometimes the trick is simply in the wording!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Bert and Edna\u2019s Confessions<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Bert and Edna, an elderly couple married for 55 years, are sitting together on their porch one peaceful Sunday evening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna suddenly says, \u201cBert, we should talk about our bucket lists.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert raises an eyebrow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m 87, Edna. My bucket list is basically \u2018wake up tomorrow and remember where I left my pants.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna laughs. \u201cI\u2019m serious. Before we\u2019re gone, we should each do something we\u2019ve always wanted to do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert thinks for a moment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019ve always wanted to go skydiving.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna stares at him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSkydiving? Bert, the last time you bent over to tie your shoes, you nearly passed out!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert shrugs. \u201cWell, if I die up there, at least I\u2019ll land somewhere interesting.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna then says, \u201cFine. You can go skydiving. I have something I\u2019ve always wanted to confess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert looks nervous.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou remember how your favorite recliner always leaned to one side?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course. I blamed the dog for years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat was me. I put a spatula underneath it after you spilled grape soda on my curtains.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert gasps.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou did that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd remember how the television remote always seemed to switch to the Hallmark Channel?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou told me the TV was haunted!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna laughs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI glued a penny inside the battery compartment. You watched Christmas movies for five years.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Bert shakes his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy would you do that?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cRevenge, dear.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a moment, Bert says, \u201cWell, I have a confession too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna becomes suspicious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou remember all those fishing trips I took every Saturday for ten years?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don’t fish.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know. I was actually at the bowling alley. I won four trophies, and they\u2019re hidden behind the water heater.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Edna\u2019s eyes widen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou mean the trophy I accidentally threw out of the car window was a fake?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They both burst into laughter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

From then on, Bert went skydiving, Edna bought a new recliner, and every Saturday they went bowling together\u2014partly for fun and partly to keep an eye on each other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

An 85-Year-Old Couple Arrives in Heaven<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

An elderly couple, both 85 and married for nearly 60 years, die in a tragic car accident and arrive at the Pearly Gates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Because the wife had always insisted on healthy eating and exercise, they were both in excellent shape.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

St. Peter welcomes them and shows them their beautiful mansion, complete with a luxurious bedroom, Jacuzzi, gourmet kitchen, and billiard table.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow much is all this going to cost?\u201d the husband asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d St. Peter replies. \u201cYou\u2019re in Heaven. Everything is free.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They are then shown a spectacular golf course where they can play whenever they want, with an angel as their caddy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The wife is amazed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd the green fees?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNothing. Everything is free.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then they visit a magnificent restaurant offering every kind of delicious food imaginable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The husband looks suspiciously at St. Peter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd how much does this cost?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNothing,\u201d St. Peter says. \u201cEat whatever you like. You\u2019ll never gain weight or become sick here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suddenly, the husband becomes furious.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s wrong?\u201d his wife asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He points at her and shouts:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cTHIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If it weren\u2019t for all those bran muffins and healthy meals, WE COULD HAVE BEEN HERE TEN YEARS AGO!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Little Johnny\u2019s Math Test<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Little Johnny comes home after failing a math test.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His father asks, \u201cWhy did you fail?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Johnny replies, \u201cI don\u2019t understand the teacher.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you mean?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOn Monday she said 3 + 5 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSo?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOn Tuesday she said 4 + 4 = 8.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen on Wednesday she said 6 + 2 = 8!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Johnny shakes his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf she keeps changing the numbers, how am I supposed to know which answer is correct?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Benjamin and the Computer<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Benjamin is serving a long prison sentence for bank robbery when he learns that his uncle has died and left him a large inheritance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The warden asks whether there is anything he would like to buy before the money is placed in trust.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Benjamin says he wants a computer because he has always been interested in technology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The warden agrees and gets him a brand-new computer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few weeks later, the warden visits Benjamin\u2019s cell and finds the computer smashed on the floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was useless!\u201d Benjamin replies. \u201cIt couldn\u2019t even perform the simplest task.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat were you trying to do?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Benjamin points toward the keyboard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI pressed the Escape key again and again, but I\u2019m still here!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Business Is Business<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A teacher offers two dollars to the student who can name the most famous man who ever lived.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

An Irish student guesses St. Patrick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A French student says Napoleon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Finally, a Jewish student answers, \u201cJesus Christ.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s correct!\u201d the teacher says, handing him the money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She then asks, \u201cI\u2019m surprised you gave that answer. Why didn\u2019t you say Moses?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The student smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIn my heart, I knew it was Moses. But business is business.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Wealthy Woman and the Poor Man<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A very wealthy woman likes a poor but honest man.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One evening, the man says, \u201cYou\u2019re extremely wealthy, aren\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes,\u201d she replies. \u201cI\u2019m worth $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019m poor,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWould you marry me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI knew you would say no. So why did you ask?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI just wanted to know what it feels like to lose $1.25 million.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Stanley and the Magic Desk<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Stanley is shopping for a desk when he notices an antique one that looks perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow much?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFive thousand dollars,\u201d says the shopkeeper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFive thousand? For an old desk?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The shopkeeper smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou see, it\u2019s a magic desk.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He turns to the desk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDesk, how much money do I have in my pocket?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The desk taps its leg four times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The shopkeeper checks his pocket and discovers four coins.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stanley is impressed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAll right. How much money does my wife have in her bank account?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The desk suddenly starts banging all four legs against the floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It keeps going wildly for several minutes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Stanley stares at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWow\u2026where did she get all that money?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Suddenly, the desk\u2019s legs spread apart and all its drawers fall open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

A Texan Farmer in Australia<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A Texan farmer visits Australia and meets an Australian farmer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Australian proudly shows him his enormous wheat fields.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Texan says, \u201cThat\u2019s impressive. Back home, our wheat fields are at least twice that size.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Australian then shows him his cattle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Texan responds, \u201cThose are nice, but our Texas longhorns are twice as big.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The conversation becomes awkward until the Texan notices a group of kangaroos hopping across the field.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat are those?\u201d he asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Australian looks at him and replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t you have grasshoppers in Texas?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Government Official and the Pig Farmer<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A government inspector visits a pig farmer and asks what he feeds his pigs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI give them whatever leftovers I have,\u201d the farmer says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The inspector is horrified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s animal cruelty! I\u2019m fining you $10,000.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next day, another inspector asks the same question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The farmer has learned his lesson.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI give my pigs only the finest food\u2014caviar, gourmet cheese, and fresh vegetables.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The inspector is horrified again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat food is far too rich! I\u2019m fining you another $10,000.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

On the third day, a new official arrives.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat do you feed your pigs?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The farmer sighs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI give each pig twenty dollars and let them buy whatever they want.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Beggar and the Four Children<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A man walks past the same beggar every day and gives him $2.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After a year, the amount drops to $1.50.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Another year passes, and the man reduces it again\u2014to $1.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The beggar finally asks, \u201cWhy are you giving me less and less?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man explains, \u201cMy oldest son started college last year, so I had to cut back. This year, my daughter also started university, so I had to reduce my expenses even more.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow many children do you have?\u201d asks the beggar.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFour.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The beggar shakes his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell, I certainly hope you\u2019re not planning to educate all four of them with my money!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Two Beggars in London<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Two beggars in London work equally hard, but their results are very different.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Habib makes only a few pounds a day, while Ali goes home with a suitcase full of \u00a310 notes, drives a Mercedes, and owns a mortgage-free house.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Habib asks, \u201cHow do you make so much more than me?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ali points to Habib\u2019s sign:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m unemployed, with a wife and six children to support.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo wonder you make so little,\u201d Ali says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat does your sign say?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ali proudly shows him his.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It reads:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI only need another \u00a310 to move back to my country.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Husband Who Switched Places With His Wife<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A man becomes frustrated because he works all day while his wife stays home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He prays, \u201cGod, I want to understand what my wife goes through every day. Please let us switch bodies.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning, his wish comes true.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He wakes up as his wife.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He prepares breakfast, wakes the children, gets them ready for school, packs lunches, drives them to school, picks up the dry cleaning, pays bills, shops for groceries, cleans the house, feeds the pets, does the laundry, vacuums, dusts, mops, picks up the children, helps them with homework, irons clothes, prepares dinner, cleans the kitchen, bathes the children, and finally puts them to bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

By the end of the day, he is completely exhausted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then comes the final responsibility of the evening.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The next morning, he immediately prays:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLord, I understand now. Please change me back!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

God replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOf course. But you\u2019ll have to wait nine months.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man freezes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou became pregnant last night.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Seeing-Eye Dogs<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Two friends want to enter a restaurant, but both have dogs with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One man has a Doberman, and the other has a Chihuahua.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man with the Doberman puts on dark glasses and walks toward the entrance.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bouncer stops him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSorry. No dogs allowed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t understand,\u201d the man says. \u201cThis is my seeing-eye dog.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bouncer looks at the Doberman suspiciously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA Doberman?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes. They\u2019re using them now. Very reliable\u2014and they can protect their owners too.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bouncer eventually lets him inside.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The other man decides to try the same trick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He puts on dark glasses and approaches the entrance with his Chihuahua.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo dogs allowed,\u201d says the bouncer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is my seeing-eye dog,\u201d the man explains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bouncer looks down at the tiny Chihuahua.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA Chihuahua?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man sighs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Phone Call to Mom<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A customer accidentally leaves his cell phone in a store.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The employee checks the saved contacts, sees one labeled \u201cMom,\u201d and calls it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His mother answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHello?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHi, ma\u2019am. Your son left his phone here. I wanted to let you know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d she replies. \u201cI\u2019ll handle it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A few minutes later, the phone rings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The employee answers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s \u201cMom.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMartin,\u201d she says, \u201cyou left your cell phone at the store.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Last Night<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A man walks into a bar and orders a vodka and Coke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He finishes it and orders another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After several drinks, he begins slowing down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bartender asks, \u201cIs everything okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man sighs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI had a huge argument with my wife. She says she won\u2019t speak to me for a month, and I\u2019m sleeping on the sofa.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bartender advises him, \u201cYou should probably stop drinking, go home, and try to make peace before the first night is over.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man takes another sip.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou don\u2019t understand.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat don\u2019t I understand?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The man looks at him and says:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is the last night.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Blonde and the Oil Dipstick<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A blonde stops at a gas station and opens the hood of her car.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After examining the engine, she pulls out the oil dipstick.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She walks over to the attendant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cExcuse me, do you sell longer dipsticks?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The attendant asks, \u201cWhy would you need a longer one?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis one isn\u2019t long enough to reach the oil!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Two Blondes on a Plane<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Two blondes are flying to Miami.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announces:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOne of our engines has failed. The flight will take an extra hour, but don\u2019t worry\u2014we still have three engines.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A little later, the captain announces:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAnother engine has failed. The flight will now take two additional hours, but we still have two engines.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Eventually, a third announcement comes:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWe\u2019ve lost another engine. The flight will take another three hours, but we still have one engine.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One blonde turns to the other.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf that last engine fails, we\u2019ll be stuck up here all day!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Missing Intestines<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A husband has a bad habit of smoking and drinking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His wife constantly warns him, \u201cIf you keep this up, one day all your intestines will fall out!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He doesn\u2019t believe her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One morning, while he\u2019s sleeping, his wife buys some large artificial intestines and places them inside his underwear.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He wakes up, screams, and disappears upstairs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

About half an hour later, he comes downstairs sweating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat happened?\u201d his wife asks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou were right!\u201d he says. \u201cMy intestines really did come out!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

His wife tries not to laugh.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBut don\u2019t worry,\u201d he adds proudly. \u201cAfter a lot of work, I managed to put them back!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Makeup Calculation<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Michael\u2019s wife buys an expensive makeup product that promises to make her look years younger.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

After spending a long time getting ready, she turns to her husband.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBe honest. If you didn\u2019t know me, how old would you think I was?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michael looks her over carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBased on your skin, I\u2019d say 20. Your hair makes you look about 18. And your figure looks around 25.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She smiles proudly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh, you\u2019re such a flatterer!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Michael quickly interrupts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWait! I haven\u2019t added the numbers together yet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Father and the English Test<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

An angry father storms into the principal\u2019s office.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI want to know why my son received a zero on his English test!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The principal calls in the English teacher.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy did you give him a zero?\u201d the father demands.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe handed in a completely blank paper,\u201d the teacher explains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThat\u2019s no excuse!\u201d the father shouts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou could at least have given him an A for neatness!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Machine and the Bottle<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Tom and Sarah visit a lawyer to prepare their wills.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lawyer asks them what kind of medical treatment they would want if they became seriously ill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Tom says, \u201cI don\u2019t want my life kept going by machines. And I certainly don\u2019t want to be fed through a bottle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sarah listens carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When they get home, she immediately unplugs the television and throws away Tom\u2019s beer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Honest Little Boy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

A woman loses her handbag while Christmas shopping.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A young boy finds it and returns it to her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She checks inside and says, \u201cThat\u2019s strange. When I lost my purse, there was a $20 bill inside. Now there are twenty $1 bills.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The boy smiles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYes, ma\u2019am.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looks confused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy did you change it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The boy replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe last time I found a lady\u2019s purse, she didn\u2019t have any change for a reward!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

The Trainee and the CEO<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

On his first day at a large company, a new trainee confidently picks up the phone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGet me a coffee\u2014quickly!\u201d he orders.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, he has dialed the wrong extension.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A furious voice answers:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou idiot! You\u2019ve called the wrong number. Do you even know who you\u2019re talking to?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo,\u201d says the trainee.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI\u2019m the CEO of this company!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The trainee pauses.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDo you know who you\u2019re talking to?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The CEO hesitates.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cNo. Who?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The trainee replies:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cGood!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2026and hangs up.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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