Before she left, I warned her to be careful—there are plenty of idiots on the road.
About 15 minutes later, the radio announced: “There’s a car driving on the wrong side of the road in your area.”

I immediately called her.
“Be careful, love. Someone’s driving on the wrong side of the road.”

She replied,
“Someone?! EVERYONE is driving on the wrong side!”

After a meeting a few days ago, I couldn’t find my keys.

I quickly gave myself a full “TSA-style pat down.”
Nothing in my pockets.

Then it hit me—I must have left them in the car.

I rushed to the parking lot.

My husband has warned me many times about leaving my keys in the ignition. He’s always afraid the car will get stolen. As I scanned the lot, I realized he was right.

The parking lot was empty.

Panicking, I called the police, explained where I was, admitted I had left my keys in the car, and reported it stolen.

Then came the hardest call of all—to my husband.

“I left my keys in the car… and it’s been stolen.”

There was a long pause. I thought the call had dropped.

Then he said,
“Are you kidding me? I DROPPED YOU OFF.”

Now it was my turn to be silent.

Embarrassed, I asked,
“Well… can you come pick me up?”

He replied,
“I will—as soon as I convince this police officer that I didn’t steal your car!”

Welcome to the golden years.

A husband walks into the sheriff’s office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife went shopping yesterday and hasn’t come home.
Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: Uh… not sure. A little over five feet.
Officer: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not skinny, not really heavy.
Officer: Eye color?
Husband: Never noticed.
Officer: Hair color?
Husband: Changes a few times a year. Probably dark brown.
Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Maybe a skirt… or shorts. I’m not sure.
Officer: What kind of vehicle was she driving?
Husband: My truck.
Officer: What kind of truck?
Husband: A brand-new 2015 Ford F-150 King Ranch, 4×4, EcoBoost 5.0L, special-order engine, manual transmission.