I’m writing this letter to let you know I’m leaving you for good. After seven years of marriage, I feel like I’ve gotten nothing in return. The past two weeks have been especially unbearable. Your boss even called me today to say you quit your job, and that was the final breaking point. Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice my new haircut, the meal I cooked for you, or the silk boxers I bought. You ate quickly and went straight to bed while watching your shows.

You don’t say you love me anymore, and there’s no intimacy or connection between us. At this point, I believe you may be cheating—or you simply don’t care anymore. Either way, I’m gone.

—Your ex-husband

P.S. Don’t try to look for me. Your sister and I are leaving together for West Virginia. Goodbye.

Reply from the ex-wife:

Nothing has made my day better than reading your letter. Yes, we’ve been married seven years—but calling you a “good man” is a stretch. I watch my shows constantly because they drown out your constant complaining.

You say you noticed my haircut, but I thought you looked like a girl, so I chose not to say anything since my mother taught me to be kind when possible. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have confused me with my sister, because I stopped eating pork years ago.

As for the silk boxers, I saw the price tag still attached, and I found it interesting considering my sister had borrowed $50 from me that same morning.

Despite everything, I still cared about you and hoped we could fix things. That’s why, when I won $10 million in the lottery, I quit my job and planned a trip to Jamaica for us.

But when I got home, you were already gone.

Life has a strange way of working out. My lawyer says your letter guarantees you won’t receive anything in the divorce. Take care.

—Your ex-wife, now rich and free

P.S. I forgot to mention—my sister Carla was actually born Carl. Hope that’s not an issue.