1. The Drunk Husband Who Noticed Too Much

A woman was secretly spending time with her lover when she suddenly heard the front door open.

Her husband was home.

The lover immediately panicked as he heard unsteady footsteps coming down the hallway.

“Don’t move,” the woman whispered. “He’s completely drunk. He won’t even realize you’re here.”

A moment later, her husband stumbled into the bedroom. He could barely keep his eyes open. Without looking around, he dropped onto the bed, muttered a few unintelligible words, and quickly appeared to pass out.

The woman quietly relaxed.

Maybe they had gotten away with it.

But a few minutes later, the husband slowly opened his eyes.

He stared toward the end of the bed.

His expression suddenly changed.

“Honey,” he said, “why are there six feet sticking out from the end of this bed? There are supposed to be only four!”

The woman froze for a second before forcing a calm smile.

“You’re imagining things,” she said. “You’re so drunk you can’t count properly. Get out of bed and look again from the other side.”

The husband groaned as he climbed out of bed and staggered toward the foot of the mattress.

He squinted.

Then he began counting.

“One… two… three… four.”

He paused.

“Oh.”

He turned around.

“You’re right.”

The wife smiled, relieved that the danger had passed.

Meanwhile, the lover remained completely motionless, silently grateful that the husband’s drunkenness had somehow prevented what could have been a very uncomfortable explanation.

Neither of them expected the man who was too drunk to walk straight to be the one who nearly solved the entire mystery.

2. The Fisherman Who Thought God Was Talking to Him

A slightly drunk fisherman was sitting on a frozen lake, hoping to catch some fish beneath the ice.

He drilled a hole and leaned over to look into the dark water.

Suddenly, a powerful voice echoed from above.

“There are no fish down there.”

The fisherman jumped and looked around.

Nobody was nearby.

He assumed someone was playing a joke on him.

So he packed up his things, walked a little farther across the ice, and drilled another hole.

Once again, just as he leaned over to look, the same mysterious voice called out:

“There are no fish down there.”

Now the fisherman was confused.

He looked around the empty frozen lake.

Maybe he’d simply chosen the wrong location.

So he walked another twenty yards away and drilled a third hole.

Before he could even properly inspect it, the voice boomed again:

“There are no fish down there!”

The fisherman stared nervously at the sky.

“God?” he asked. “Is that you?”

The voice answered immediately:

“No, you idiot. It’s the rink manager. You’re drilling holes in the hockey rink!”

Suddenly, the lack of fish made a lot more sense.

3. The Drunk Driver With Every Excuse

A police officer pulled over a driver who had been swerving all over the road.

As the officer approached the vehicle, he immediately noticed that the driver was having trouble sitting upright.

“Sir,” the officer said, “I need you to blow into this breathalyzer.”

The driver looked worried.

“I can’t do that, officer. I’m asthmatic. Blowing into that thing could trigger a serious asthma attack.”

The officer sighed.

“Fine. Then you’ll need to come to the station for a blood test.”

The man shook his head.

“I can’t do that either. I’m a hemophiliac. If you take my blood, I could bleed to death.”

The officer stared at him, becoming increasingly suspicious.

“Then we’ll need a urine sample.”

The driver immediately shook his head again.

“I’m sorry, officer. I’m diabetic. That could cause my blood sugar to drop dangerously low.”

By now, the officer was losing his patience.

He rubbed his forehead and stared at the man.

“Okay. Then get out of the car and walk this straight white line.”

The driver looked at the line.

Then he looked back at the officer.

“I can’t do that.”

The officer threw his hands into the air.

“Of course you can’t! And what medical condition is stopping you from walking?”

The driver paused.

He looked the officer straight in the eyes.

And finally gave the one answer that made all his excuses completely unnecessary.